Book Excerpt: Chapter 53 - Leave Some Books Around
Fact: It’s our job as parents to have open, honest conversations with our kids about sex, sexuality, and relationships.
Fact: Doing that can sometimes be uncomfortable, especially during the years our kids need those conversations the most.
Fact: The potential consequences of not having those conversations are devastating, so we need a plan.
The best plan is to create a family dynamic where our kids can come to us at any time, with any question, and get an honest answer without any drama or judgment. Not all of us have done that. Not all of us can do that. Even for families who did, there are cultural, familial, social, and religious aspects in play that place parts of that dynamic outside of our control.
Here’s a good plan for that problem.
Leave Some Books Around
I grew up in a religious family, raised by great parents who were really uncomfortable talking about sex. I was also uncomfortable talking about personal things, and made it harder for them to talk with me about it.
The result was that I got most of my sex education through…let’s call it field research. Much of the rest I learned from sneaking peeks at my parents’ copy of The Joy of Sex and a couple similar books I’m pretty sure they picked up at a church couples retreat.
Every time I write about my parents, I feel the need to reiterate that they were and are awesome. I was very lucky to get the parenting I received, but every family has blind spots. The fact that I knew where those books were helped to fill in that blind spot.
So I’m suggesting we do it on purpose: Leave a few books out and available, or in their room, that can help them research these topics on their own, in private.
A few good books I can recommend for this:
· Let’s Talk About It, a graphic novel by Erika Moen and Matthew Nolan. It’s very frank, easy-to-digest, sex-positive, and LGBTQ+ friendly. Illustrations include nudity and can be suggestive, but not explicit.
· 100 Questions You’d Never Ask Your Parents, by Elisabeth Henderson and Nancy Armstrong,. It’s exactly what it sounds like, and does a good job. It’s middle-of-the-road in terms of sex positivity and politics.
· In Case You’re Curious, distributed by Planned Parenthood. It’s no-nonsense and practical, covering questions from the basic to the frankly bizarre. I’s main focus is on quashing the many rumors and pieces of bad information out there.
· The Joy of Sex by Alex Comfort. A sentimental favorite of mine, and definitely for older teens and young adults. It frames sex well as an enjoyable activity people should communicate about.
I will also mention The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens by Steven Covey’s son Sean. It does a great job with drilling down on teen agency and the potential consequences of sex and sexuality. It’s conservative for my taste, to the point where I wouldn’t use it in my house. It focuses too much on abstinence and scare tactics. That said, it’s a good choice for families who aren’t comfortable with something more explicit.
Following Up
Leaving good books around is part one of this plan. Part two is to talk about what our kids read in those books. Make time to ask about if they’ve read them, and if they have questions, and answer their questions as calmly and openly as you can. These books are a starting point, not the entire plan.
If you or your teen are still very uncomfortable talking about sex, you can also leave a notebook lying around. Designate it as a place for your child to write down questions they’re embarrassed or nervous about asking in person. Check the notebook every once in a while and write the answer in private. This doesn’t just give your teen a place to ask even the most cringy questions. It sets up a system where you get to have your emotions about it “offstage,” and then deliver a measured and considered response.
Leveling Up
If you want to take this concept to the next level, try this technique I learned from Liza Draper, who wrote the introduction for this chapter.
When her kids were of a certain age, she designated a drawer in one bathroom, in which she didn’t just keep some literature about sex and sexual choices. She also kept it stocked with condoms, dental dams, and other tools for safer sex.
Her kids, and her kids’ friends, knew that stuff was available no questions asked…but that she was also available to answer any questions anybody had.
I missed the boat for making such a drawer for my older son. My youngest, who is thirteen as of this writing, will have one by the time this sees print.