Book Excerpt: Chapter 62 - The Sword of Insertion
Interrupting is rude. Sort of. Sometimes. When it is rude, it can make a lot of things worse. It increases the chances of a misunderstanding because part of a thought gets cut off. It raises the level of stress and tension in the conversation by speeding the tempo and creating conflict. Maybe worst from a parenting point of view, interrupting our kids tells them we don’t respect them, their thoughts, or their words.
On the other hand, sometimes it’s important to interrupt. Usually, this happens in one of two circumstances.
Situation #1 happens when you’re up against a timeline. You need to be at school/church/the game/the play/the airport in an hour, which means everybody has to be in the car ready to go in ten minutes. So of course your child chooses this moment to start a lengthy argument. They might even have a valid point, but there isn’t time for the conversation right now.
Situation #2 happens to adults and children, especially under stress. Venting and talking about problems often helps, but also can spiral upwards. Each sentence about a hot topic makes whoever’s speaking angrier and angrier, as they engage more deeply with the emotions around what they’re talking about. You know from experience that what needs to happen is for that person to just stop talking for a few minutes, but because they’re in this verbal feedback loop, they’re not going to do that on their own.
Incidentally, this also happens with drunk people, people on drugs, and people in emotional states that bring them into contact with police. Many police are trained in the de-escalation system of Verbal Judo, which is where this technique comes from.
If you’re in a conversation with your kids, or anybody really, and you have to interrupt, the Sword of Insertion is a sentence you can use to interrupt successfully while showing respect at the same time. Here it is:
“Let me make sure I understand what you just said.”
Lead in with “Hold on.” or “Wait a second,” and hold up one or both hands, palms outward. Follow up with the Sword of Insertion: “Let me make sure I understand what you just said.”
If you do this with respectful body language and voice tone, it stops the momentum of the conversation. It tells your child you care about what they’re saying. It demonstrates respect for their thoughts. And it gives you control over where the conversation goes next.
For best results, where it goes immediately is to you restating the main point of contention. When you restate it, you can use calmer voice tones, more effective word choice, and more relaxed body language. Since you’re restating it honestly and with love, your child’s emotional state will usually become more productive, too.
If you’re in Situation #1, you can get the day back on track. Acknowledge the issue that has your child upset, commit to solving the problem together soon, and get their agreement that now is not the time.
If you’re in Situation #2, you can get the conversation back on track. Acknowledge their feelings, reframe the disagreement as something you can work on together, then sit down and talk about it in a productive way.
The Verbal Judo folks call this the “Sword of Insertion” because they come from a law enforcement/military/warrior mindset and those guys like weapon metaphors. You can call it whatever you like.
When It’s Time to Listen
For parents (myself included) who have a habit of interrupting, try this simple trick that combines active listening and mindfulness meditation.
While your child, or partner, or friend, or coworker is talking, just breathe. In through your nose, out through your mouth. Focus on their words and your breath, and wait until they’ve finished expressing their thoughts fully. This little exercise will make you more present and attentive, and has the bonus of giving you time to fully formulate your own words before they slip out.